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Here are some jokes submitted by recent visitors to The Lawyer's Joke Corner. ==================================================== Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A. A doberman. * * * * * * * * Q. Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt ? A. He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer. * * * * * * * * Q. How was copper wire invented? A. Two lawyers found a penny. * * * * * * * * A guy comes into the small shop in a vacation town. He tells the clerk that he arrived back at his cabin and discovered that there are rats in the cabin. So the clerk sells him a brass rat, and tells him that he is to throw it into the middle of the lake. Well, the guy does that, and lo and behold! Thousands and thousands and thousands of rats come streaming out of the cabins, including his own, and jump into the lake and drown! So back he goes to the shop. "I'm glad it worked for you," the clerk says. "So, can I sell you another brass rat?" "No," says the guy. "Actually, I was wondering if you have any brass lawyers." * * * * * * * * A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner said, "No." "Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." * * * * * * * * NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and that person couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer." * * * * * * * * Most people think heaven is above us and hell beneath. Actually they're side by side and separated by a huge wooden fence. One day, things in Hell got a bit out of hand. The devil and the damned threw a party. The drinks flowed and the rock music raged. Before you knew it, someone yelled "fireball fight" and the flames were soaring. Unfortunately, one unlucky toss landed atop the dividing fence, burning it down. God, quite upset, immediately called the Devil and demanded he build the fence back up. The Devil was nonplussed. "Relax" he said. "We have all the old time union leaders down here, not to mention some government contractors. We'll take care of it. And they did. However, when they rebuilt the dividing fence, the demon contractors built it three feet into heaven's territory -- basically stealing three feet of heaven. Once again, God was upset. "Devil" he raged "you tear down that fence and rebuild it on the correct dividing line, or else!!" The Devil, more curious then concerned, responded "Or else what?" "Or else" explained the Lord, "I'll sue you for every cent in hell!!!!" The devil paused for only a bit, and smiled. "Oh yeah" he asked "and where would YOU find a lawyer..... * * * * * * * * Billy, Bobby and Joe had a spree in the fruit orchard. They tore all the fruit from the trees, gorged themselves, then threw fruit and generally vandalized the place. When the farmer caught them, he called the sheriff and had them taken into custody. When the boys appeared before the judge after spending a night in jail, he asked them if they had learned their lesson. The first boy replied, "Yes, sir. All that fruit made me sick. My dad's a doctor, and he told me never to do that again!" The second boy was from a military family, "My dad told me that if I ever get in trouble with the law again, I can kiss West Point goodbye!" The third boy told the judge, "You bet I won't do it. My dad's a lawyer, and I'm gonna sue that farmer for damages to my pants that got tore jumping his fence!" *********************************************************************************************************** New jokes will be introduced periodically to The Lawyer's Joke Corner. If you would like to contribute a joke, send it along. ************************************************************************************************************© 2001-2005 Alan D. Humbert. All rights reserved.
Revised June 24, 2005