Dear Miss Manners

Question	Answer
Dear Miss Manners, I am so damn tired of those bglt people who live their lives by the stereotype. This really bothers me because no one has to be this way. I am so tired of it that if one more person lives by the stereotype I am going to SCREAM! By now you must know I am talking about Gay Standard Time. Why can't people be on time? Is this too much to ask, girlfriend? Signed, Time Lee Manner (no relation to you, diva!)	Dear Time Lee, Girlfriend, Miss Manners believes that she has discovered the sordid truth behind Gay Standard Time. It is our innate ability to accessorize; it is both our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. True, we are always at the forefront of the fashion world. True, we look fabulous at all times. But, Miss Manners fears that some bglt folks have forgotten that a watch is more than fashion. Some of us throw on our watch and never look at it. Others have so many that none of the numerous timepieces actually are running and set correctly. Such is the cost of being one of the Beautiful BGLTs. Miss Manners believes that we should not sacrifice punctuality to the Goddess of the Runway. We need to learn to wear our accessories responsibly and show each other that Gay Time is Now, not Later. Yours Any Time, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, Thanksgiving is approaching and that means it is time for the DECplus Thanksgiving dinner at the Quaker Meeting House in Framingham. I know it is a good time for people to get together and have a great time by meeting new people, rekindling old friendships, and sampling all the great food people bring. But each year I have the same problem. Just what does one wear to such a fun event? Signed, Nake Ed II Fashion	Dear NakeEd, Miss Manners is thrilled that you have asked about the DECplus Thanksgiving Feast. This delightful soiree is the high point in everyone's holiday calendars. It is the place to be next Saturday (November 7). Miss Manners reminds all her Gentle Readers that Tom Evans and Bruce Cramer are coordinating this gathering and should be contacted for further details. Nake Ed, you're correct about the basic fact that clothing is de rigueur. Once that first decision is made there are three ways to approach the evening. The first possibility is that the feast attendee wears his or her largest, stretchiest clothes. Comfort and capacity are the bywords here. This Comfort-Party-er will not be dissuaded, no matter how much delectable food is served. The second possibility is that the feast attendee Dresses-To-Impress. These bglt folks will be worried all evening about spilling gravy or their dessert. Miss Manners says, "Cheers!" to these Beautiful-People. They will be leaving most of the yum-yum foods for those party-ers in clothing category one. The final option is that Absolutely-Thanksgiving- Tog - the turkey suit. This choice combines the best of clothing options one and two. There's room to eat and there's enough panache to satisfy even the most fastidious of fashion mavens! No matter what you fashion choice, Miss Manners hopes that all her readers will be joining DECplus for this bountiful buffet! Yours in Whipped Potatoes, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, I've heard that on April 30, 2000 there's going to be a grand march in Washington.  Do you know what the record is for attending the most parties in one weekend?  And do you think this would be a good year to vote in our first BGLT president?? Signed, I Don't Want To Work; I Just Want to Bang on the Drums All Day	Gentle Political Reader, Miss Manners herself has heard of the April 2000 March in Washington.  Though she does not know of the record for Parties Attended, she does know that a Grand Convention of BGLT (and our friends who love to party) is a perfect occasion for each of us to set our own personal Party-On record.  What would a BGLT political gathering be without several parties?  One for the under-21 crowd, one smoke, alcohol, and chemical-free, one singles-only, several to support All-the-Different-Important-Causes, a country-western dance, one Prom, one reggae, and one Fun-Free-Event.  Any self-respecting BGLT individual will not leave our nation's capital without purchasing the Obligatory Event-Tee-Shirt and attending several parties.  Be proud.  Party on, and do tell Miss M how many parties you graced with your attendance! Although Miss Manners does think that this is a good year to vote in a BGLT President, she reluctantly concedes that we must wait for the next General Election to do so.  Though it is perhaps too soon to vote for our favorite BGLT politician, it is not too soon to consider which of our many family members should run.  Miss Manners humbly suggests that we first capture the nation's attention.  Perhaps a series of ads in which distinguished BGLT folks give Bill and Hillary marriage advice.  Perhaps L Tripp and M Lewinsky could use some fashion hints or suggestions on How-to-be-a-Friend.  A final series of public service announcements could be BGLT Recruitment ads.  More votes for our cause can't hurt! Remember to Be Out and Vote! Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, Memorial Day we had a big cookout. People came over, they were drinking, eating, basically having a great time. We started around 2:00 in the afternoon and things were going great. But then some just wouldn't leave. And it was after 9:00! We did not want to be rude, but how can you get people to leave a party that just hang on until we're falling asleep?  We need to know.  Should we have a Labor Day Cookout??? Signed Cooked-Out	Dearest Cooker, You have that most - woeful of problems!  A wonderful party!  It's the bane of successful hosts and hostesses everywhere.   What to do when you've created such a lovely time for your guests that they don't want to leave?  There are a number of ways to deal with this dilemma.  Here's some of Miss Manners's favorites: 1.  Call a neighbor and ask him to call the cops.  A party always loses its joviality when the police come to visit.  2.  Start recruiting guests to help with the dishes.  That always seems to send guests scurrying home.  If this doesn't work, get out the vacuum and start cleaning.  If the guests don't leave you'll have, at least, a clean house! 3.  Show videos of your last cross-country trip.  No one ever seems too interested in the footage of thousands of acres of Kansas corn. 4.  Force the guests to play the party-games that you played at your childhood birthday parties.  Pin the tail on the donkey isn't as much fun as it was when you were five.  Actually, Miss M doesn't remember that those games were ever fun! And, the one sure-fire cure for those stubborn guests: Start insulting your guests.  One by one they'll become angry or hurt and leave.  Miss Manners warns you, gentle reader, to exercise this option only when all else has failed. While this will end the party, it will probably also end some friendships,  which will cut down on the invitee-list for the next soiree.  As you might have guessed, this could get out of control. Good luck with the Labor Day Bash.  Do invite Miss Manners.   She is always willing to lecture guests on the 'right' way to live and breathe.  AND, Miss Manners has never been to a party where the guests are so rude as to stay for more than an hour.  She always seems to be the last one to be washing dishes and bidding the host adieu. Party On, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, Now that summer is here it is time to water ski. I just love getting on the skis and flying through the water. It makes me feel like I am free to the world, even though I am being dragged by a rope. But with any season there has to be a certain level of fashion. Should I go out and buy my swim wear first, and then get skis to match? Should I try some wild colors or be conservative? I want to make sure that I am part of the 'in fashion' crowd. Can you help me? Signed Mr. Fashion Un-Conscious	Mr. No-Clue, Miss Manners must first touch upon the delicate topic of your skiing skill.  If you are an expert skier the viewer will never really see your skis.  If you're prone to falling, the ski color is much more important.  If you need to worry about ski color at all, it should be the last piece of the ensemble that you select.  It's so much harder to find the right suit than the right ski.  If worse comes to worse, have skis made to match your swim togs! When choosing attire for water skiing one must first and foremost remember that one will be seen as a passing blur.   But, one wants to be a very-good looking blur.  Here's the points to consider:  Loose or tight trunks: Here one must strike a delicate balance between wind resistance, letting the world glimpse all-that-God-gave- you, and showing off what-ever-it-is-that-you-boys-show- off.  Loose trunks could flap, causing a parachute-like slowdown while showing the world what's under-there.  Tight, short trunks will eliminate the parachute-problem, but must only be worn by those whose body-type falls into the Mr. Atlas category. Color and pattern: Here's where a good friend comes in handy.  Take your most trusted buddy shopping with you.  Once you try on a pair of trunks that you like, run as fast as you can around the fitting room.  In this way your friend will be able to determine how the swim suit looks when blurry.  If no one is available to help you with this, bring a really-big fan with you to the fitting session.  Turn the fan on and check out your image in the mirror.  It won't show you exactly how you'd look skiing, but it will let you know what the suit's lines will be when being wind-blown.  Remember fashion first, and you'll have a safe and happy summer! From Cypress Gardens, Miss M
Dear Miss Manners. I consider myself a business professional. I visit various business establishments, attend professional luncheons and (unfortunately.....) meetings. These meeting go on and on and on because people squabble over exact terminology. Even though after the endless explanations the person who asks the questions always ends with, "Ok.... that is what I thought you meant." How can we keep these Bozos out of the meeting? Signed, Tired of Seeing Dead Horses Beaten	Dear Tired, Miss Manners sympathizes completely.  She, too, has been the witness of Dead-Horse-Beatings.  She regrets to say, however, that the Mr. and Ms. Bozos can't be excluded.  Miss M has discovered that there are things- to-be-done.  They're not the polite-est things she's ever done, but they have proven successful in terminating the obnoxious behavior. You could: Summarize the original statement on a whiteboard.    Pound loudly on the board with a marker each time   the statement is repeated or reworded. Scream "Boring!" each time a redundant remark is   made. Scream "Been there!  Done that!" each time a   redundant remark is made. Hurl spit balls at Repeaters. Take a nap. Skip the meeting. Good luck.  Miss Manners takes no responsibility for careers ruined by the above advice.  Yours truly, The  9 to 5 Miss M
Dearest Miss Manners, I have a slight problem I am hoping to gain insight to from your infinite wisdom. People say I am snooty, I say Patooey. If *I* see something wrong, whether it be a correction in the Americanized version of the English Language to the Proper British style, or if it be that I must point out the flaws of others beneath me, people say it is wrong to endlessly correct them. I say they are wrong.  If they had any intelligence I wouldn't be needed to correct their lack of upbringing. How do I get this rather important point to be understood by these, these, well, for lack of a better term, people? Signed, Ima Bore	Ima, With humble apologies, Miss Manners must say that she occasionally finds herself confronted with Bores such as yourself.  Please do try to be patient with the rest of us - we're only human and occasionally make mistakes.  One goal Miss Manners has set for herself is to concentrate on herself and her own journey rather than spending all her time critiquing the lives of others.  She suspects that you, dear Ima, should spend some time eating humble-pie.  Members of the Bore family should eat a good-deal more of this dish. Grateful-Not-to-BeYou, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, While I was at the baseball game yesterday I saw that standing right next to me was Colin Powell. I just stood there wondering what I should have done. In case I should ever meet him or anyone else famous again, I want to ask you what would be the proper way to greet them: Would it be ok to wrap your arms around them, give them a big bear hug and tell them how great they are? Would it be ok to yell out, "Hey, you're !" with hopes of letting everyone know this cool person is here? Would it be ok to slip the person your phone number and wink while you hand it off to them? I want to do the right thing. Please help me! Signed Red Socks	Dear Red Socks, You've come to one of those most-awkward of moments. How is one to shriek with delight over seeing someone famous while still retaining one's Gay-Cool Exterior? Lucky you! Miss Manners is here to help. Miss Manners herself is often accosted by admiring fans. While she is sometimes embarrassed by the displays of adoration, she is flattered by the sentiment. Miss Manners hopes she's not broken the hearts of many young girls who admire her poise and social acumen! But, we digress. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer. The proper response depends upon the situation and the particular great-personage involved. For example: "I love a man in a uniform," might work for Colin Powell, GI Joe, or one of the Village People, but would not be appropriate for Jesse Helms. Hummm. Maybe it would be. "I'm a HUGE fan! Here's my number and Email address," would be appropriate in a dance club or gym, but would not be in a tony restaurant. Hummmm.Maybe it would! ;-) Miss Manners wishes you luck and reminds you that "We Should Never Do Unto Others What We Would Not Have Them Do Unto Us." Yours in Star-Struck-Envy, Ms. M.
Dear Miss Manners, I have a problem that I am hoping you can help me with. When I was a kid I almost went crazy with disco music. Between Donna Summer, the Bee Gees, the Weather Girls and more, I can't take any more of it. But the company I am about to be sold to plays that damn music throughout the facility! They have people in shiny suits dancing in the hallways. I fear if I stay with this company I will go insane! It is like being stuck in a combo of, "Saturday Night Fever" & "The Big Chill"! How do I stay sane while keeping a paycheck? Signed, Chip	Dear Chip, Miss Manners is aghast. She can not believe that a company would dress people in shiny suits! Why the metallic-look has not been "in" for years! Hasn't this company seen the Paris Runway Shows? Miss M suggests that you keep your job; a paycheck is a good-thing (even Martha Stewart agrees!). Work to change the corporate culture from within. Refuse to wear those shiny suits. Play New Age music in your office. Make a small difference and pray that this new-company changes its ways. From McArthur Park Where It's Raining Men, The Divine Diva
Dear Miss Manners I recently went to a baseball game and saw some things that really have me intrigued. The players were spitting, grabbing their crotches, and slapping the butts of the other guys. I have seen this same sort of thing take place at the bar, Ramrod, in the back room. Are these ball players (no pun intended) really openly gay leather men or are they just rude? Signed Master Bates	Dear M. Bates, Miss Manners is surprised by this question! She thought everyone knew that all "heterosexual" men have homosexual desires. It is only in the context of team sports that these men can allow their true-nature to show. Miss Manners believes it is our duty as gay people to allow them their moment of joy without comment. Condescendingly yours, Miss Manners
Dear Ms. Manners, When attending a lesbian potluck, is it de rigeur" to bring a dish which is vegetarian?  And what does "de rigeur" mean, anyway? Lovingly yours, Delicate Delicacy	Dearest Ms. Delicacy, First, "de rigeur":  If one consults Webster's Dictionary one finds this misleading definition:     Required by the current fashion or custom; socially obligatory. Silly dictionary.  All GoodGays know that de rigeur means:     Required by the current GAY and LESBIAN custom; Queerly obligatory. Heterosexuals have long based their fashions and social norms on the Queer Society, but have refused to acknowledge this basis.  Since the Middle Ages this adjective has been applied to traditions and styles that passed from queer to straight society. Common knowledge of its original roots has all but disappeared in the 20th century.  The GAY 90's of the 19th century were a celebration of all the de riguer styles of the day. Enough etymology.  On to the Most-Classic of Lesbian Traditions:  The Potluck.  While gay men may not have experience with this phenomenon, the Lesbian Community loves a potluck.  Everyone brings a dish.  (Imagine Miss Manners's surprise at her first potluck.She brought a LovelyYoungCurvaceous Dish to dinner.  Everyone else had cooked!)  There are rules about what-to-bring.  Here's the list of things that should not be in a Potluck Dish:   Meat   Sugar   Chemicals   Gluten   Dairy Products   Alcohol While this list may strike some as limiting, Ms. M suggests that her gentle readers consult the indispensable "Lesbian's Guide to Chemical-Free, Taste-Free Cooking".  This book will gently guide lesbians and non-lesbians alike through their first potluck experience. Miss Manners wishes everyone a Soused-Julia "Bon Appetit!"
Dear Miss Manners, I got a shiny new red bike. It is a beautiful bike. It goes faster than my car and stops on a dime! Of course it is hard to pull the dime out of the tread. But I digress. I am wondering what I should name this new shiny bike. We all know any inanimate object is a `she' according to many in the male population, so to bring this all into a politically correct fashion, what should I call it by? Signed Dyke on Bike	Dearest Dyke, As a dyke you are obliged to name your bike after a great bisexual woman or lesbian.  Gertrude and Alice are the most popular names for dyke-owned cats and should be acceptable bike names, too.  Her Divineness, Miss M, cautions that her gentle readers refrain from answering the question, "Where are you going?" with "Out to ride Alice."  Unless, of course. Blushing and heading out for a ride, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners, The New Year is approaching and I do not know what to do. Am I supposed to welcome 1998 with open arms, or will I look like a stupid drunk if someone sees me doing that? Signed, Lost in 97	Dear Lost, You should realize by now that everyone else probably was doing the same thing. My suggestion for you is to make a New Year's resolution. To get a life! Mz M
Dear Miss Manners, I just bought a new PC. I turned it on and it was doing its thing. Then the screen showed there was an error. It said, "For help, press F11". I did. It has been a week now and no one from the service department has come to help me. I've pressed F11 several times. How come they are ignoring me? Signed, Mem O. Rhee	Dearest Mem, Along with the computer you should have gotten an instruction manual. The manual is pivotal in getting F11 to work properly. I strongly suggest that you put your efforts into fixing that key. Mz M
Dear Miss Manners, I am raising a pet goldfish that I call Goldie. She is a fabulous fish who seems to get plenty of exercise swimming from one end of the tank to the other. I noticed the past couple of days though that she spends her time sleeping. She won't eat, just float there while she sleeps. Should I get a smaller tank for her so she won't get so tired? Signed, Gil Less	Gil, darlink. Try an Olympic size pool. But test it on yourself first! - Mz M
Dear Miss Manners, Recently my boyfriend said that in order for him to continue on with our relationship, I have to change. He said I know what needs to change, but I don't. I know it can't be me leaving my clothes around the house, dirty dishes in the livingroom or towels on the bathroom floor, as he likes to clean. What can it be? Signed, George Slobowski	Gentle Reader, I'm sure you're right that your boyfriend has no problem with your messiness. Have you considered making more messes for him to clean?  If that doesn't do the trick, maybe you DO need to make a change to a new boyfriend...One who will appreciate all your wonderful Slobbiness. Candidly, Miss Manners is not envious of either of you! In Cleanliness, Miss M
Dear Miss Manners, Last week we went on a picnic with a bunch of friends. My date was there and I wished he wasn't as I saw this really cute guy I wanted to get to know. This always happens when he is around and it is really starting to bother me. What can I do to get rid of him when someone cute comes by? Signed, Horn E. Toad	Dearest Horn E.,                        You're not the first toad on the planet to complain to the Divine Miss M that a boyfriend is a nuisance. Others have faced this dilemma, too! While many less creative toads have resolved the problem by being faithful to their boyfriends, there are ways to keep the boyfriend and get to know all those new cute boys!  For example, have you thought of leaving your boyfriend at home? If he's not there, he can't be a bother.  Or, let him come with you, but keep sending him on errands when you 'wish to be alone.'  Miss Manners does feel compelled to remind you that your boyfriend may take advantage of this time alone to scope out some cute sights for himself.  What's good for the Gander is, after all, good for the Other Gander. Mz M.