December 22 update

In times of crisis we seem to fall back to those rituals in our childhood which provided us comfort. For some an old stuffed toy is unearthed and becomes again an inseparable companion, a favorite blanket provides soothing warmth and we retreat into that remembered time when as children we knew we were loved and that our parents would make everything all right for us. Considering the time of year, for me that tradition is the annual letter to Santa. As a child I spent many hours crafting my letter to Santa, trying to strike that mythical balance of what I thought I deserved with what I actually deserved. Carefully pruning the list to those things I knew I really wanted and somehow a good portion of that list was fulfilled every year. I continued that tradition every year as I grew up, though the list became more fanciful as I became older (I never really expected the Ferrari under the tree but was willing to be surprised if it did show up) until sometime in my adulthood I forgot to write that annual letter one year, and then the next and before I knew it Christmas was no longer a time of enjoyment but rather one of battle in the stores and at home trying to get everything done. It was at that time that the true meaning of what Santa represented was lost and I lost sight of what the idea of Santa was trying to teach each of us. Asking for nothing in return, other than the belief that each of us was deserving in basic human kindness, he dispensed presents to anyone and everyone; a physical reminder of the belief that everyone deserved at some point to feel that the universe cared for them.

Every night since the accident, before I leave the hospital I go into the Chapel and I pray for Susan. And a lot of people across the world have added their prayers and wishes to that nightly prayer. Susan has beaten the odds by making it this far and continues to improve everyday in some way due to God's mercy. I have faith that God will deliver Susan from this trial and that in time she will recover and return to us.

But in the day to day struggle I had almost forgotten about the season. Christmas cards and presents sit unwrapped, unsigned and undelivered on the dining room table, no tree graced the living room for the cats to stalk and destroy on their nightly hunt and no stocking were hung by the chimney with care. So on the 23rd of December, I sat down in Susan's room and thought about what I wanted and needed for Christmas this year and what I would ask Santa to deliver to me on Christmas Eve. Falling back into that familiar ritual I sorted through everything I thought I wanted or needed, discarding them one by one until I arrived at the one thing I wanted more than anything this Christmas season. I then penned a quick missive to Santa and mailed it to Santa Claus, C/O The North Pole.

That Christmas Eve I arrived at the hospital early to help with Susan's PT. We had been working on getting her to the edge of the bed and sitting up for the past couple of days. For safety reasons the PT staff asked that I be present to act as a safety spotter due to her strength and the fact that she is calmer when I am around. That morning she was very agitated, to the point that she wasn't willing or able to really participate in the planned therapy. The PT staff suggested that I give her a hug and hold her so that she would feel safe enough to calm down. She was sitting on the edge of the bed so I knelt in front of her and held willing her to feel safe and to calm down, gently stroking her back. She brought her arms up and held me back and opening her hands she began to stroke my back, and we stayed like that for minutes. I realized that everyone in the room; nurses, PT staff and myself had tears streaming down our cheeks and that Susan had calmed down and fallen asleep in my arms. And I thanked Santa Claus, for the one thing I had asked Santa for this year was that for a moment at least I could hold my wife in my arms and believe that it would be alright in the end.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I can never find the words to say how overwhelmed I am by the continual kindness that everyone has shown us.

Su continues to improve daily. She will be evaluated by Stuart Circle in Richmond on Monday. They are the only sub-acute rehab facility in Virginia for brain injury patients and everyone I have talked to recommends them highly.

The new case manager for TriCare has been taking every care to make sure that she keeps me informed on a twice daily basis of where we are and where we are going with Susan's care. They are still suggesting a nursing facility as a short-term solution but I know all too well how short-term solutions become all too permanent so I have been unwilling to agree to transferring her until we can find the right place for her needs.

The Submarine Force Medical Officer come over on Christmas Eve to review her record and look in on her and has provided invaluable advice and support on how to get her to where she needs to go. He has fought this battle with TriCare before. He plans on briefing his Admiral on the situation and will continue to track her case and work to make sure that TriCare does the right thing.

Lawrence
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