'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the place
Not a weapon was moving, not even a mace;
The man-traps were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The GIT's were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of girls'n'guns danced in their heads;
And mamma in her jammies, and I, wearing rags,
Had just settled down for the first of our sh....,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature bike, and eight cute NGG'er,
With their little old leader, so lively and slick,
I knew in a moment it must be Shirl - quick!
More rapid than weasels her crewpeople they came,
And she screamed, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Julie! now, Naughton! now, King and you, Hornor!
On, Holmesy! on Oliver! Go, hide round that corner!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now bash away! bash away! bash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the NGG they flew,
Puffing and panting, their faces all blue.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard a loud curse,
One of the girls had dropped her fav purse!
I drew out my Uzi, and was turning around,
When down the chimney Shir Soldin came with a bound.
She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her foot,
And her face looked damned attractive all covered in soot;
A bundle of "toys" she had flung on her back,
And she looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
Her eyes -- how they twinkled! her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of her chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a spliff she held tight in her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled her head like a wreath;
She had a broad-sword and a small charge of jelly,
That made the earth shake when blowing up something smelly.
She was chubby and plump, a right jolly old girl,
And I laughed when I saw her, as she caught me mid-twirl;
In a blink of an eye and with a twist of the wrist,
She swung out with the sword, but luckily missed;
She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And chopped up all the stockings; then turned - what a jerk!
And laying down fire from my trusty 9mil, I shot at the berk!
She scrabbled to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
And launched what I thought was an air-to-ground missle.
I heard her exclaim, ere she ducked out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and on with the fight!"