It all began December 20, 1996. A friend and I, having not seen each other for a while, decided to eat at a local McDonald's in Hollywood, near Universal City. As we were sitting in the McDonald's, my friend and I noticed how unusual this everyday establishment was. First of all, the high-tech headgear that the McDonald's employees wore seemed rather unusual for simply making hamburgers. Also, only in the booth that we happened to be sitting in, we noticed that there was a telephone JACK on the wall directly above the table (this was one of Jack's earlier attempts to warn us of the danger of Mickey D's which will be explained further later on). We made fun of McDonald's with jokes such as the restaurant having a secret underground government agency of some sort (due to the strange technology and the hostile attitudes of the workers) like the well known Area 51 base supposedly located in Nevada. From that point on CRAZINESS broke loose!
Weeks after the get together at Mickey D's, a vast amount of fellow classmates at our college were drinking from McDonald's cups for hours at a time and talking our ears off about it with their fellow classmates. Even the professors started mentioning McDonald's for no apparent reason! It was like a scene from the Twilight Zone; that they knew something that we didn't. As weeks passed, the annoyance of the subject became more of a harassment. Not a God-given day passed where we could avoid hearing about it. Then we started noticing McDonald's trash everyplace we encountered. My friend and I exchanged experiences and noticed that they were very much alike. We started to "investigate" other McDonald's franchises. We noticed more and more how each one was very much alike. At times we had found that we were being bribed with things such as free food, excellent service (especially for McDonald's), and more change back than expected with much discreet. After this, we began to think that there might be something to this. Soon after the bribes, my friend ran into this girl who discouraged us to eat McDonald's. That's when we met JACK.
Jack had recruited us to work as agents for him and investigate something he referred to as the "McFiles." First of all, he explained the phenomena that was taking place universally known as the "McSpiracy." He first explained to us how the E.coli scare at his resaurants back in the early 90's was actually the work of the anti-Christ, Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald had sabotaged Jack's beef in effort to destroy Jack's popularity with the public. Jack however, declined and refused to stoop down to Ronald's level, deciding instead to just ignore Ronald's threats and continue the pursuit of creating gourmet sandwiches for all of his devoted customers. Ronald wasn't very pleased with this. Ronald then made a deal with the aliens (and yes, they do exist) for them to mutilate cows and ruin Hudson Foodmaker's beef, thus ruining both Jack AND Burger King's food sales. The McDonald Empire's prime objective is to turn Earth into a big tossed salad thus creating what is known as McWorld (hey, it could happen). After Jack's explanations of the possible downfall of our civilization due to the McDonald Empire's plan to take over the world (hence all the arches you see around the world), he implanted a great technology chip in the back of our necks, known as the MicroJack. He explained all the jazz about the MicroJack protecting us from any mutilated- beef and contamination we might encounter during consumption of our meals at the fast-food franchises.
He then gave us each our own special, unique names that we would be identified as. Starting with myself, I was given the name Agent Sourdough Steph. Then my friend was given the name Agent Cappachino Jeff. Lastly, Jeff's friend that in the first place helped us find Jack, was identified by the name Agent Jumbo Ruth. We soon came to discover that Jumbo Ruth was actually "The Chosen One." As The Chosen One, it was believed that her duty was to force- feed Ronald a lethal Jumbo Jack to his death.
Shortly thereafter, Jack granted us with a team highly skilled with state of the art training in various areas. There was Agent Curly Fry Conrado, our Caltech head alien researcher, who had trained our eyes for suspicious alien activity. Then there was Agent Teriyaki Danichi who was an ex-marine who had served in Desert Storm and had actually visited Area 51. With Agent Teriyaki Danichi being part vampire/part cyborg/part soul of late rap artist Tupac Shakur/part soul of late actor-Kung Fu master Brandon Lee, it was difficult for him to control himself at times and that which he calls great destruction to others due to his vampheric super-human strength. Agent Jumbo Ruth found it difficult to get along with him as well, but good ol' Jack kept us together. By us being agents, Jack didn't believe in bribes, so instead he believed in rewards. He rewarded us with items such as extra-large waters, superb service, and occasional clowning around. Although being an Agent can be a drag at times, Jack still continues to give us the support and motivation we need to stay focused on the investigations. We have all given an oath to the galaxy to serve and protect the universe as well as to inform others of the McSpiracy. Facts and evidence are available upon request by e-mailing Team UFO, intl. at the following address: Jack424@juno.com Copyright 1998, Team UFO, intl.
I want to believe !