New Chemical Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element,
tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron,
125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice 
neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles
are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange
of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can
be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in
contact with.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, 
at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorgani-
zation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice 
neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic
mass actually increases after each reorganization.  Research at other 
laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the 
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as 
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can 
usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained 
buildings.  Scientists point out that administratium is known to be
toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any 
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are 
being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent 
irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.