So you're thinking about having kids. . .

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and 
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents 
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a 
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a 
   beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 
   months, take out 10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go 
   to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, 
   and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. 
   Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go 
   home. Pick up the paper.  Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who 
   are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, 
   lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have 
   allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might 
   improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners 
   and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life 
   that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room 
   from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. 
   At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 
   Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 
   1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up 
   at 2am and make a drink.  Go to bed at 2.45 am. Get up again at 3am 
   when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the 
   alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. 
   Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut 
   butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger 
   behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in 
   the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with 
   crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an 
   octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string 
   bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all 
   morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint 
   turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch 
   tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take 
   a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops 
   and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You 
   have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it 
   out in the driveway spotless and shining: Family cars don't look like 
   that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove 
   compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette 
   player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down 
   the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. 
   Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go 
   out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out 
   again.  Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. 
   Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely 
   every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead 
   insect along the way.  Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as 
   much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. 
   Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to 
   try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you 
    can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If 
    you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy 
    your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay 
    for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily 
    accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from 
    the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy 
    Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending 
    to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the 
    rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. 
    You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Puzzle 
    Place and Barney. When you find yourself singing the jingle to "Puzzle 
    Place" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.